Cancer and your emotions

Many people have a lot of different feelings when they're told they have cancer, and these can be hard to cope with. Your partner, family and friends may go through some of the same feelings too.

People react to cancer in many ways. You may not have any of the emotions described here, and that's fine. There's no right or wrong way to feel, and you'll cope in your own way.

Some of the more common feelings are described below.

When you're first told you have cancer, it can be hard to believe. Many people feel shocked and numb. You may not be able to take in all the information you're given, and you may find yourself asking the same questions again and again.

At first, talking about the cancer can feel very hard. Or you might find you can't think or talk about anything else. Both reactions are normal. Your mind is trying to process what's happening, and these feelings usually get easier over time.

You may feel anxious or frightened about whether your treatments will work and what will happen in the future. For many people with cancer, this is one of the hardest things to cope with.

It can help to focus on the things you can control. You may want to find out more about:

• the cancer you have
• your treatment options
• how to manage any side effects

Talking about your feelings can help too. And try to keep doing the things that matter to you and that you enjoy.

You may feel sad if you have to change your plans because of the cancer, or if your future feels uncertain. Sadness is a natural reaction to change or loss, and it may come and go during and after your treatment.

For most people, these periods of sadness get better. For some, though, the sadness carries on or gets worse. If you think it may be turning into depression, there are things you can do to help.

Some people cope with cancer by trying not to find out much about it. Others cope by not talking about it. If that's how you feel, tell people you don't want to talk about it right now. You can also tell your cancer doctor if there are things you don't want to know or talk about yet.

Sometimes it's hard to accept that you have cancer, and this can stop you making decisions about treatment. If that happens, it's very important to get help from your healthcare team.

You may feel that your family or friends are avoiding you, or avoiding talking about the cancer. This is usually because they're finding it difficult to cope too. They may need support as well. Try to tell them how this makes you feel. It may help you, your family and friends talk openly about how you're feeling.

You may feel angry about your cancer diagnosis, and you may resent other people for being well. These are normal reactions. They're more likely when you feel frightened, stressed or unwell.

You may get angry with your family, friends or partner. Tell them you're angry at your illness and not at them.

Finding ways to relax can help with anger. This can include:

• talking about how you feel
• writing down how you feel
• doing gentle exercise
• having relaxation therapy
• meditating

You may feel guilty, or blame yourself for the cancer. Many people want to find a reason for why it has happened to them.

Most of the time, nobody can say exactly what causes a cancer. A mix of different risk factors may build up over time and lead to it, and doctors still don't fully understand all of these factors. So try to put your energy into looking after yourself and getting the help and support you need.

You may also feel guilty that the cancer will affect other people in your life. You might worry that they'll find it hard to cope. Try telling them how this makes you feel. Talking openly about your feelings may help you, your family and your friends.

You may feel alone or cut off from other people with cancer. Often it's because you don't think you have support. Your family and friends might live far away, or they might be busy, or they may feel uncomfortable talking about the cancer.

Try telling your family and friends how you feel. It can help them find ways to support you.

There will be times when you want to be alone for a while, and that's normal. But if you find you're avoiding people a lot of the time, try to talk to your doctor or nurse.

What you feel in your body can change how you feel in your mind, and it works the other way too. Emotional symptoms can affect you physically.

You may notice changes in your energy, sleep, appetite and sex drive. Your cancer or its treatment might be causing these changes, but your feelings can play a part as well.

If you have cancer and you're in pain, it can affect your mood. Pain can also make you feel anxious. Anxiety and depression can change how you feel pain and how well you cope with it.

Getting emotional support may help you manage pain. Mindfulness, meditation and relaxation techniques may help too.

It's important to talk to your healthcare team about any pain, so that they can help and support you.

Fatigue is extreme tiredness or exhaustion, and it's a common side effect of cancer and cancer treatments.

Fatigue can affect your mood, and it can stop you doing the things you enjoy. But anxiety and depression can also cause it, so it's often hard to tell what is behind it.

If you think anxiety or depression could be adding to your fatigue, speak to your doctor or healthcare team. They can advise and support you.

If you have cancer, you may find it hard to sleep. Worries about your treatment or fears about the future can keep you awake. Some medicines, such as steroids, can affect your sleep too.

Not getting enough sleep can affect your wellbeing and your ability to cope.

Sleep hygiene is the term for things you can do during the day that may help you sleep better at night.

Changes in your appetite, your eating habits and your weight can affect your mood. It works the other way too, because feeling anxious or depressed can change how much you want to eat.

Find out more about exercise, diet and healthy living with cancer

Many people find it helps to talk about cancer and how it's affecting them.

The idea of talking may feel uncomfortable. But telling someone how you feel can help you cope with your emotions, and it's often the first step towards feeling better.

Talking can also make you feel supported. It can help you make decisions that are right for you.

In this video, Amuz talks about the mental health issues he had after his treatment for cancer.

You may want to talk to someone you know well. This could be a partner, family member or friend.

Other people find it easier to talk to someone they don't know well. This could be:

• your cancer doctor
• your doctor
• your specialist nurse
• a religious or spiritual leader

Your doctor or nurse may be able to refer you to a psychologist or counsellor. Some organisations like Mind can offer this type of support too.

Life after Cancer is an organisation that can help you find support after cancer treatment. They offer 1-to-1 and support group options.

You might find self-help groups or online communities useful. This can be a good option if you find it hard to talk to your partner, family members or friends.

If you can, talk openly about your feelings with people you trust. It can help you feel less anxious and frightened.

Try to start a conversation and tell them how you feel. You may be surprised at how willing people are to listen and support you. When you ask someone for support, it can show that you value them.

Cancer and its treatment can change many things in your life, and you may worry about how your relationships with friends and family will be affected.

If you have a partner, you may worry that things between you will change. Or you may be thinking about starting a new relationship. Even close families, and couples who have been together for many years, can run into problems.

Some of the changes will be good ones, though. Going through something like cancer can make relationships stronger.

Every relationship is different. Take some time to find out what the other person thinks and feels, and remember that people deal with things in their own way.

Even after your treatment ends, people may not understand what life is like for you. They may expect you to get back to normal straight away. They may not know how to support you, or may not realise that you still need support.

Cancer can change your relationships and your sex life. The changes may be practical, emotional or physical.

Your roles at home and at work may not be the same as before. You might find you need new ways of handling the housework, looking after the children or managing money.

How you feel about each other may change. Your relationship could become stronger, or it could become more complicated.

You may be dealing with side effects or physical changes after treatment. Sex, or how the two of you feel about it, may be different now.

Some cancer treatments can affect your fertility, and that might change any plans you had to have children.

You may also run into problems in your relationship that you didn't expect. Everyone copes with these in their own way. It can help to think back to how you handled difficult times in the past. Usually it helps to be open and honest with each other about how you feel.

During and after cancer treatment, there are things you can do to improve your general health and wellbeing. This can make you feel more in control of what's happening to you.

As well as improving your physical health, it may also support your mental health. If you feel your emotions are building up, focusing on your wellbeing can help you release your tension.

You may want to:

• eat well
• be more physically active
• get enough sleep
• stop smoking
• follow sensible drinking guidelines
• avoid recreational drugs

You could also try the following advice.

Joining a self-help or cancer support group can have many benefits. It can give you a sense of community and help you feel less alone.

Some people find it helps to write down how they're feeling. Keeping a diary, journal or online blog is a way of expressing how you feel without having to talk about it.

Tension can often be released by talking to people. Sometimes everything may feel like too much for you. If you feel this way, try to be kind to yourself.

You might want to try complementary therapies like massage or yoga. There are also relaxation techniques that can help with stress, including meditation, yoga, regular physical activity and massages.

Mindfulness is being aware of your thoughts and feelings in the present moment. It uses techniques like meditation, breathing exercises and yoga to help you focus on what's happening at that time. It can help you change the way you think about things, and that can help reduce stress and anxiety.

Complementary therapies are used with, or as well as, conventional medical treatments. They don't claim that they can treat or cure cancer. People might use them to improve their physical or emotional health. Or they may use them to reduce cancer symptoms or the side effects of cancer treatments.

There are many types of complementary therapies, including:

• yoga
• meditation
• massage
• reflexology
• acupuncture

Some cancer centres and organisations run short courses for people living with or after cancer. Your specialist nurse, cancer doctor or information centre may be able to give you information about courses in your area.

Help to Overcome Problems Effectively (HOPE) is a course to help people after cancer treatment. It was developed by Hope for the Community and Macmillan Cancer Support. The course is run in small groups. It's free and takes place at different locations across the UK.

Macmillan also delivers an online HOPE programme, which is a 6-week self-management course based on an online platform.

CAN-EMPOWER is an online resource developed with people who have experience of cancer and with health professionals. It has coping tools and techniques that people have found helpful in managing the emotional and psychological challenges of living with cancer.

Macmillan Cancer Support also has more information about cancer and mental health support.